I have been on my own now, single-moming it for 4 1/2 years…..wow, really? Geez…that is a while! There is a lot I have learned and experienced (Divorce sure is pretty…; Never stop learning) and there is a multitude more that I haven’t even begun to understand.
I recognize that life is a journey and this particular chapter (or volume perhaps? 😉 ) of my life is still being written. The storyline is still developing. The problem with all this is….ME. 🙂 lol I have this need to know what happens next. Patience is a virtue I am still working on developing after more than 30 years of existence. lol 🙂 Some nights, I sit back and wonder….will I always be alone….when will I be able to give my son the sibling(s) he and I have always wanted….do I still have more healing to do….when will my heart truly be ready to allow someone else in….is there someone out there for me and my son to share our lives with?
There are so many unanswered questions and I’m sure once I find the answer to one, another will appear. That is simply how life is. Despite the pain, fear, and stress of this process of single-momdom, I do cherish it. It has brought me much more than I could ever have imagined. I have the chance to have special one-on-one time with my little guy, but I also have the opportunity to have my adult time as well as my alone time. I have been given the freedom to explore and discover more about who I am as a woman and a mother. These happenings have opened me up to many more possibilities and opportunities that I would not have had if I hadn’t made that choice 4 1/2 years ago.
Each person’s journey is different and I know that I cannot compare mine to someone else’s and they shouldn’t compare to mine. *Ahem, easier said than done* 😉 There are days when I sit back and scroll through text messages and social media feeling envious and sad. Growing up, I always wanted lots of kids (to little Emily, that meant 20 or so lol), so I have a hard time seeing more and more friends/acquaintances expanding their families, continuing their lives. All the while, I’m feeling stuck in the same place. I feel guilty saying that, because I should be grateful and happy for what I have. I am, I do, I love my little guy with all my heart. I am so blessed to have the supportive family and friends that I do. I suppose the best way to explain it is, I feel like there is a piece of the puzzle lost between the couch cushions and I haven’t found it yet.
I have come understand that everything happens in its own time. God knows when we are ready for the next step. Honestly, I do sense him telling me, “Just give it a little more time, Emily, not yet. You need more time to figure this out.” Human nature wants to fight it every step of the way though! lol I still have more sentences and stories to tell before I can move onto the next chapter. I just need to be patient.