Doing Fine

I’m doing fine enough to know that everyone’s a little broken
Fine enough to learn that hearts are best when they’re wide open
I still got fear inside of me
I’m not okay but I’m gonna be alright
For the first time in a long time I’m doing fine
I’m doing fine

I’m fine.  It’s something I have said for years in answer to, how are you doing, are you okay, is everything alright?  It is such a neutral, unspecific answer.  It can mean so many things, but when you are struggling and don’t want to admit it…..it’s the safest answer.  There were days in my past that I felt that was the best answer I could provide to those questions.  I felt defeated in my journey.

Oh, these growing pains, well I wish they’d go away
But I guess you can’t be free without a fight

I’m doing fine enough to know that everyone’s a little broken
Fine enough to learn that hearts are best when they’re wide open
I still got fear inside of me
I’m not okay but I’m gonna be alright
For the first time in a long, long time I’m doing fine
I’m doing fine

—- “Doing Fine” —Lauren Alaina

For the past 3 years, at the close of the year, I think back on my running accomplishments and goals and then plan for the following year.  This year has been full of the unexpected and unplanned.  My two main goals for this year were never fulfilled.  The first (24hr race in Ohio), I never even got to start.  The second (Devil Dog 100K), I got to start and my dream of completing it ended in 15 minutes.  Thinking about those two things, all the work and time I put into them…..you’d think I would be devastated.  Surprisingly, I’m not.

At the time each of these goals were snuffed out, I was disappointed, hurt, upset, and heartbroken.  Those negative feelings didn’t last very long though.  How?  Why?  I have been asking myself those questions all year.  I am so used to being easily hurt and distraught over so many things (big and small) for sooooo long.  This change has been confusing and at times kind of scary for me. quotes-growth-adversity-ben-saunders-480x480 As someone who has fought anxiety and depression for at least 25 years, being content with my situation and working through disappointment has never been an easy task.  I lived in a perpetual state of I’m fine.  So, being in any state other than that is uncomfortable and scary.

The only answer I have to this quandary is……..growth.  Holy cow!! o_0  What?! Me, grow?!  Yes, it is a possibility and a reality.  After years of trial and error, mistakes and missteps, I am finally figuring out how to deal with myself.  I have finally learned my many idiosyncrasies and how my mind can quickly manipulate a stinky situation into a life and death situation.  I have learned to allow myself a brief period of mourning but, at the same time, I know I have to provide myself limits or the negativity will take over.

Some of you may be questioning why this is something worth writing about, or something I would want to share with so many strangers.  It is important for me to share this revelation and experience for a couple reasons.

  • as mentioned above, this has been a long time coming; I never thought I would be able to be more than fine in my life
  • dealing with anxiety and depression is no easy feat; a lot of people struggle with these illnesses and don’t feel comfortable sharing their experiences or even acknowledging it is something they deal with; I want that to change, I want people to not feel the stigma of mental illness
  • when I started this blog I promised myself and my readers that I would be my genuine self; I would share the good, bad and the ugly
  • as runner/athlete, whether amateur, professional or just starting….injuries and setbacks happen; they happen all the time, there is always another day and another race

I share these thoughts with you all to say something that I have been dreaming of saying for a very long time:

For the first time in a long, long time I’m doing more than fine

I’m doing well

— ME 🙂 —

 

 

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